RECORD OF THE MEETING WITH SEBASTION, ALEX’S FATHER ON 8 MAY 2007
Sebastion arrived, while Alex ordered some drinks he said that some of the things he was about to say I might not like but he asked for my support on it. I said I would support whatever I thought was in Alex’s best interest. I asked if I could take notes for the purpose of going over them afterwards with Alex,and, suprisingly, he agreed to it. When Alex returned, he began:
“Honi is out of our lives now. The truth is, we still love each other, but we can’t live together. 80% of the cause is the way you treated Honi and the way her kids treated me. At all times Honi treated you with respect and patience. Your arrogence, self-centredness, abusive and manipulative behaviour…(indistinct)
“I took you aside several times and said “If you do this to a family you destroy this family” and asked you “Please don’t do this, please respect my wishes.
You gave me a choice – “Them or me”. I said “Do you know what you’re saying? I would have to take four people and throw them on the street” and you said: “My choice is me”. You have taken something away from two people. “
[I asked Sebastion specifically what Alex had done]
“Not saying hello or goodbye [to Honi], ignoring her, pushing her away to sit next to me”.
[He acknowledged that he understood that Alex felt insecure.I asked himwhat he had done to make Alex feel more secure]
“I included you in the family. Telling you I loved you. Reasoning with you.
You can’t go through life doing this to people. You must learn to take responsibility for your actions. I’m sorely tempted to take you at your word. Because I said that when you make a person make a decision like that they cannot do one or the other – you’ve opened up a life of loneliness.
I’m sorely tempted to walk out the door. What’s stopping me is my responsibility to you. A responsibility to help your mom teach you things. I’m not going to walk out of your life. This is what we’ll do:
Between now and August I’m not going to see you. Think carefully about your actions. Two people with wrecked dreams, in pain. The reason they feel like that is partly due to you.
From September to December, I will see you one day a month, and not staying the night. I want you to and I will try to get this through – when you track on a path with your mom or dad its because they love you.
From January to April, I will see you for one day and one night
I would like you to learn is that when you are gentle and you give of yourself and treat people with humanity, it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of greatest strength.
After that, from the end of April, I will see you alternate weekends. Hopefully during that time you will understand that a father is someone you can respect, his values are important.”
[I asked how he thought that Alex would learn this by being away from him]
“Every second weekend we can get to that.
You created a disappointment in me that will be very long lasting in that respect.
Do we understand each other? [Alex nods mutely]
I do love you but your’e not going to do that …..[indistinct].”
[I asked for clarity on how the impact of Alex’s two days every fourteen days could be so great as to break up their relationship].
The devastation you left behind you every weekend. It doesn’t end. For us its every single day.”
[Alex said he is sorry]
“Sorry’s not going to crack it.You can’t do that to your mom or me. It’s a good lesson for you to learn.”
[I asked if he would leave us; he got up, kissed Alex on the forehead and left].
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There are no handbooks on what to do when your 12 year old child gets depressed. No instructions on how to handle his broken heart when his father blames him for his failed relationship and banishes him from his heart and his home. No words that can salve the pain of knowing that one you loved and trusted so utterly counts that love so cheap.
We are lost.
Daily we struggle to stay “up”: We talk about nice things, buy each other chocolate. But every day is a bad day for him: “Because it’s a day”. It’s a bad day for me too, because I have no words to pursuade him that he is wrong when he says:”I wish I were dead; I wish I were never born”.
